Matt Cutts is, by universal acclamation, the most wonderful, fabulous, intelligent, kind, generous, and amazingly
attractive human being alive today, if not in all of human history.
Nobody on
Earth even comes close to Matt Cutts' supreme, awesome greatness; indeed, Matt Cutts literally
redefines
the term "greatness," in effect creating a completely new concept of
all-encompassing sublime excellence for himself, which might be termed
"meta-greatness" if only mere words could express how truly great Cutts
is.
In every conceivable avenue of human endeavor, from
astronomy to
zoology, Matt Cutts so completely outclasses all others that their
humble efforts generally seem utterly pointless and futile by comparison. To say that Matt Cutts is the quintessential
ubermensch, a sort of
Neitzschean superman,
or perhaps a "quintessentially godlike" being, is so inadequate a
description that it might actually be considered a form of philosophical
dishonesty, perhaps even an offense against the very principles of
truth and
reality.
Background
After a dazzlingly successful stint at the US National Security
Agency, during which his presence increased the agency's
already-remarkable ability to observe and record the private lives of
Americans by well over 1,300 percent, Cutts joined Google in 2000 as a
Software Engineer (at the time, Google did not use "Perfect Being" as a
job title). He quickly went on to worldwide fame and glory by appearing
on the internet as "Google Guy," propelling Google through the sheer
force of his charisma and talent to the Number One ranking among search
engines, and indeed, websites in general.
He also became famous in the Adult-Entertainment Industry as
"Porno Cookie," due to his sublimely benevolent practice of rewarding
people who reported pornographic spam with a batch of his wife's
home-baked cookies (which, to be fair, are nowhere near as perfectly
delicious as cookies baked by Cutts himself). From 2000 to 2004, links
to soft-core pornography generated roughly a third of Google's income -
so, by entrusting the oversight of this industry's internet presence to
Matt Cutts, who is (by definition) unable to fail, Google ensured their
own continued prosperity for years to come.
edit Charitable Works
At a IPO meeting held prior to Google's Initial Public Offering
(IPO), Matt Cutts famously covered for the missing founders by declaring
they were "tied up." This drew laughs from Google staff, as the
founders were at the time visiting the Playboy Mansion, where they were,
ironically, participating in a "light B&D" demonstration. Cutts'
witty remark was later considered to be the "turning point" in Google's
IPO promotional-support campaign, which was considered to be the most
successful in history due to Cutts's personal involvement.
edit Matt Cutts and the "Degrees of Perfection" Theory
Actress Milla Jovovich as a "perfect being" in the film The Fifth Element. While not based on Matt Cutts, Jovovich's character saved the world in much the same way.
Shortly after
Matt Cutts initially made his presence known to
Mankind, it became necessary to redefine existing concepts of greatness
and perfection. Prominent psychoanalyst
Sigmundheimer F. Rhoid's Theory of Degrees of Perfection states:
"The existence of Matt Cutts proves that perfection, as it is
currently understood, is woefully inadequate as a descriptive
contextuality. When presented with such a being, we must apply degrees of perfection, which is to say that while other perfect beings are merely perfect, Cutts is an example of meta-perfection, or the transcendence of perfection into the realm of higher-than-perfection."
Though Cutts himself has had little to say about Rhoid's theory, he has yet to actually dispute it.
edit Matt Cutts vs. Spam
As the world's most talented and notable spam-hunter, Cutts has gone
to great lengths to point out the failure of webmasters, designers, and
developers to abide by Google's various rules regarding page content,
which in turn were developed as a means of maximizing profits from the
indexing of internet pornography. While critics have suggested that
"asking Google to fight spam is like asking
Dracula
to supervise a blood bank," Cutts himself pays little heed to such
criticism, since his own personal blood bank requires little direct
supervision.
edit Matt Cutts in comparison to God
Some minor controversy has arisen during the last several years, due
to the statements of a small handful of media commentators who have
suggested that
Matt Cutts is, at least to some degree, a
lesser being than
God. While most experts and laymen alike consider these suggestions to be pure nonsense, members of various "extreme"
Christian and
Islamic
groups, though highly respectful of Cutts, have tenaciously clung to an
outmoded and fundamentally incoherent notion of God's supposed
"superiority" to Cutts, despite overwhelming evidence that this notion
is utterly groundless.
Meanwhile, members of the Jewish faith have begun a movement to
name Cutts as the "True Messiah," which in effect would mean that a new
religion would be formed, to be known as "Cuttsianity." All but a
negligible few
Buddhists,
Hindus,
Mormons,
Zoroastrians, animists, pagans, and
Republican Party
members have already chosen to follow the new Cuttsian "meta-faith,"
along with most reasonable Christians and Muslims. Only the
Scientologists remain, for the time being, mostly unconverted. (No one knows, or cares, why.)
The question of whether or not the personal pronoun "he" should
be capitalized when referring to Matt Cutts is currently the subject of a
worldwide interdenominational conclave being held in
Des Moines, Iowa, a city that has become known as the worldwide center of Cuttsianism.
edit Super-powers attributed to Matt Cutts
Though
Matt Cutts is ostensibly human, he is nevetheless
assumed to possess unlimited super-powers, many of which are similar to
those of cartoon and comic-book "superhero" characters such as the
X-Men,
Superman, and
Seemingly-Innocuous Man.
While there have as yet been no documented eyewitness accounts of Cutts
performing such feats as (for example) flying, teleporting, walking on
water, lifting impossibly-large objects, stopping bullets, or removing
punitive references to specific Uncyclopedia users in the
Euroipods
article, scientists remain convinced that Cutts can easily do all of
these things, and much more as well. The most likely explanation
advanced for the lack of documentation is simply that Cutts does not
wish to be
seen using these astounding powers, and therefore only performs such feats while
invisible. Furthermore, Matt Cutts is assumed to have an
infinite variety of
infinitely potent super-powers, as opposed to beings such as
God, whose super-powers are
subject to certain limitations.
edit Matt Cutts and the future of Mankind
It is generally assumed that as long as
Matt Cutts exists, the
future of the human race is bright and secure, perhaps more so than at
any point in all of history. To some extent, however, Cutts has actually
had a deleterious effect on many business enterprises, including the
pharmaceutical,
insurance, and
internet search engine
industries — the latter being hardest hit by the fact that since Cutts'
appearance on Earth, most of humanity has no real need to search for
anything anymore, having already found the answer to every conceivable
question:
Matt Cutts!
Tort litigation in most countries has been drastically reduced as
well, if not eliminated altogether, due to the fact that nearly any
dispute or disagreement between people can be easily resolved by simply
referring to various precedent-setting decisions made by Matt Cutts.
This has, for better or worse, forced many
lawyers to find new jobs as car-wash attendants and
adult website entrepreneurs.
All of this naturally leads to the question of whether or not
Matt Cutts' physical manifestation is fully transcendent beyond the
material realm, and more importantly, whether or not Cutts is, in fact,
immortal. In his landmark 2003 book,
Could Matt Cutts Someday Cease to Exist? (Simon and Schutupster, $14.95 in paperback), author
Jose Abdul Foucault writes: "The effect of Cutts'
death on
civilization would be both immediate and catastrophic, possibly leading to worldwide outbreaks of
depression, self-directed violence, and
suicide. In sociopolitical terms, a society without Matt Cutts might easily devolve into chaos,
anarchy, and perpetual
war,
leading to the very real possibility of a worldwide population crash,
and an eventual global takeover — probably by machines, acting in league
with
insects and
media personalities."
edit See also
edit External links
The wedding dress trend currently is white or ivory, as this symbolizes
purity. This is a newer superstition because white was started to be
worn as a wedding dress only during the Victorian age over a hundred years ago that.
And that time, white was worn as an announcement of affluence because
white dresses then were only worn once.
The type of flowers the bride
clutches during the wedding ceremony signify her emotions towards the
marriage. 
The purpose of the bride wearing a
veil dates back to when people believed evil spirits were around to try
and ruin the wedding ceremony. The bride wore a veil to cover her face
so evil spirits would not know she was the bride. Likewise, bridesmaid
were made part of the ceremony to surround the bride, so evil spirits
would be confused about who the actual bride was, and leave. Many
couples today still honor these customs, but use the veil to hide the
bride's face until it is first revealed to her groom. The bridesmaids
are chosen to help the bride celebrate her happy day. This is also true
for the ushers to celebrate with the groom.
The
bride can choose what color that the bridesmaids will wear.
The color usually coordinates with the other themes of the wedding,
such as similar to the color of the flowers chosen.
The bride should also think what color flatters the
bridesmaids. These days, it is customary for the bride to
decide what color and fabric the bridesmaids will wear, and the
bridesmaid will then choose the most flattering style for
herself.
Some brides choose the other way around, they choose what style the
bridesmaids will wear, and the bridesmaids wear different colors of the
same style dress. More on American
Color Symbolism. 
Garters
are a fertility symbol and the man who catches it will be married next
per
tradition. The garter is worn just above the knee. The bride throws it
in back of her to the single men. There
is a funny story about the garter at my wedding, but I am too
embarrassed to tell it. Another story at my wedding was a
girl friend of a high school friend lunged in front of everyone, and
got the bouquet. The comment was she was super aggressive from some
other friends. The high school friend was very careful when the garter
was thrown, to keep his hands absolutely at his side so there was zero
chance he would get the garter. I wonder what ever happened to them.
The
reception that follows the wedding and is often a sit down dinner, but
some have
a buffet. There is often games that are played during the
reception and
some receptions include a dance. I have been to receptions that varied
from a small dinner at a Chinese restaurant, where the wedding was
attended only by close family, to a very expensive American Steak
Dinner that I don't even want to know the bill. Chinese and Vietnamese
receptions I have found to be the most fun. Getting the couples to kiss
by banging glasses with chopsticks is a fun tradition. As is the part
of where the groom has to share a toast at each table. The important
part is doing what is right for your family, and matches your budget.
